


Don't be Afraid

by AnotherLostSoul



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Denial of Feelings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Masturbation, Pining, Soul-Searching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 23:20:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19386511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherLostSoul/pseuds/AnotherLostSoul
Summary: Light Yagami's in way over his head. He's been denying his feelings for L for months and he's sexually frustrated to boot. Light decides it's long since due he got of and plans for a sneaky masturbation session, however, Light soon realises being caught masturbating by your secret crush isn't half as terrifying as admitting the truth and baring ones soul...





	Don't be Afraid

**Author's Note:**

> I really seem to be into writing one shots at the moment for some reason 💁 I guess it just makes a nice change from writing my series and is a refreshing change of pace! 
> 
> ❤ Anyway, enjoy the fluffyness! ❤

Light Yagami didn't believe in 'lucky stars' or fate or plain old fortune. Ones plans either succeeded or failed due to the following factors: how much time and effort one had invested in their plans, environmental factors and circumstances and finally, the predictability of others actions.

Therefore, Light reasoned, tonight was the perfect night for his endeavours. He had planned for this. He had prepared. Tonight he * **was** * going to jerk off.

L was actually sleeping for a change. He'd performed an experiment, just to be sure. He poked L right in the face, below his left eye. It was an automatic instinct to recall from something approaching your eye, and Light figured if L wasn't truly asleep he would jerk away. He didn't.

Instead, he flopped onto his back, stretched and let out a soft snore. Light was a cautious man, so even after the success of his first test he bided his time and watched L for any signs of waking. His bed partner (for lack of a better term) was stretched out flat on his back, long limbs slightly akimbo with one hanging partly off the bed. Light was reminded of a puppy when L's leg twitched and jerked in his sleep. He tried not to use the abjective 'adorable' as he watched it. 

 _'I wonder what you're dreaming about, L? My percentages of being Kira, probably'_ Light rolled his eyes at the thought. L let out another snore. Light bit his lip as he glanced at the deceptively slim chain connecting their wrists. He would have to be careful not to make too much noise as he knew L was a light sleeper. He'd found out as much when after three nights of no sleep L had simply laid his head down on his desk and dozed off. Light had only reached over his head to pick up the stapler and L had jerked awake, fixing him with a wary, narrow-eyed stare.

Apparently L had 'sensed' someone was too close to him. Flustered, Light had apologized and held up the stapler in defence of his actions. "Don't do it again, Light-Kun" L had snapped out, "I was having a nice dream too," he'd lamented before returning his head to the fold of his arms and almost instantly falling back asleep.

Light shook his head at the memory. Perhaps if the stubborn bastard actually kept a normal sleeping schedule like most people he wouldn't be like this! Hell, perhaps if L realised he wasn't Kira he would be able to jerk off whenever the heck he wanted to like a normal nineteen-year-old!

Light flicked his eyes to the clock. It was 1:15 am and through several (mostly sleepless) nights he had observed the following: L slept most deeply earlier in the night. By four or five at the latest he was wide awake. If he was going to chance it he would have to make his move soon.

' _Fuck it'_ Light thought as he carefully eased himself onto his back. He couldn't stop himself darting his eyes to L as his hand crawled down his stomach to rest on the bulge in his boxers. No movement. That was a good sign. Now was the time to stop being afraid and just do it!

Light sucked in a breath and reached into his boxers. Just the feeling of his fingertips grazing his cock had him biting down on his lip to muffle the small moan that threatened to burst free. It had been three weeks since he'd last gotten off. For the sake of his sanity he had to do this!

L shifted slightly in his sleep and Light immediately snatched his hand from himself like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. L idly scratched his stomach before his hand came to rest, limply laying on his belly. It was hot, so both L and Light had forgon wearing shirts to bed and Light had planned on capitalizing on that fact. He drank in the sight of all that pale skin and those lithe muscles. L's nipples were a soft pink color. Light couldn't help but think they looked delicious. 

 _'Fuck. I have got to hold my nerve. Once I get it out of my system I will be fine. I will stop having lewd thoughts about ***him*** I have to stop thinking about him like this…'_ Light reasoned to himself, eyes sliding guiltily over to the faint bulge in L's boxers. That was easier said than done…

Another soft snore was his que to try again. Light reached back inside his boxers and took himself in hand. He clenched his teeth and, barely daring to breathe, skimmed his loose fist over his cock. Again, his eyes snapped open to glance at L and to assess the situation. L's leg twitched. His eyebrows twitched. Light hesitated. Twitching was usually a sign of deep rem sleep. Or it was a sign of approaching wakefulness…

Light pumped his cock again. He'd got this far, he was not stopping now! For once in his life he decided to leave it to chance. If L woke up and caught him then… Well, he'd face that bridge * **if** * he came to it. The main objective right now was just to come, period! 

He breathed deeply through his nose and tried to relax. His fear at being caught seemed to lighten his arousal. His dick was throbbing in his hand, the vein pulsing as his erection hardened even further at the tableau of images his brain helpfully provided:

_White skin. Pink nipples. Infuriating dark gray eyes. A mop of black hair bobbing in his lap and his cock being sucked on…_

"Mmm…" Light * **had** * to moan at that. God what he would give for that fantasy to become reality!

Light's heart hammered as he dared to move faster. His breath hitched and he arched his hips slightly. He managed to use the precome ozzing from his slit to further slicken his movements with a quick twist of his wrist and thumb. His hand sped up as his fevered brain went into a frenzy of lust: 

_Bending L over his desk, pinning him down by his shoulders and slamming himself inside an eager and prepared body. Being sucked into that tight heat, pulling away and feeling velvet-soft inner walls clinging to him before shoving back inside… L's throaty moans of enjoyment, L's long fingers curling into his desk to try and find purchase as Light plundered his body over and over-_

Light's hand jerked faster, breath growing heavy as his balls pulsed with the need to come. He was close. So fucking * **close** *

"Fuck, Baby, I want you so bad!" Light whispered, imagining he was speaking directly into his ear as he pounded into him.

"Light-Kun?!"

Light's eyes snapped open. He turned to find L staring at him, wide-eyed and red faced. ' _Well, fuck_ ' Light twitched, hand coming to an abrupt standstill. He could only stare in mute, horrified silence.

L stared back.

His cock * **throbbed** * as its release was denied. In his shock, he had frozen, dick in hand. The very picture of 'caught in the act' his heart hammered against his ribcage, each beat a fearful melody of shame and despair. It was a good thing he didn't believe in fortune, because he obviously had been forsaken by it. The clock ticked in the background, barely filling the awkward silence.

"... Uh, would you like me to go into the bathroom so you can… finish?" L sounded oddly bashful, eyes darting away as he tried not to look at Light's cock that was standing proudly to attention.

Light's mouth hung open. Where was the 'Honestly, can't you control yourself better, Light-Kun?' He'd been expecting? Where was the mocking sneer? Why did L look so damn (adorably) awkward and… sad?

"I…" Light croaked, his entire face flushed red as L continued to resolutely stare at the far wall. "Was thinking about you"

 _'What?! What the fuck?!'_ Light could have physically slapped himself. Clearly the blood had abandoned his brain for it was apparent he was thinking with his * **other** * head right now.

L dared a glance at him. "Why?" his voice was so soft in the silence of the night. Light was struck by the vulnerability of it and the honest frankness of his question. L truly didn't see why someone would be masturbating about him.

Light slowly pulled his hand away from his cock and attempted to sit up. He licked his lips, heart pounding and throat dry. He'd started it. He'd have to finish. He wasn't thinking about his cock or his need to come at this moment. His feelings were clawing up from his chest and taking his tongue hostage. They demanded to be spoken, to be heard, If only he was brave enough.

 _'I * **am** * brave_' Light thought decisively. It was now or never. His choice was simple: either let this moment slip away and be swallowed up by shame and fear or take a chance. Light Yagami might not believe in fate or fortune, but he did believe in the merits of rolling the dice and being bold enough to take a chance.

"Because you're beautiful…" Light whispered brokenly. He may as well have screamed, for L physically jolted as if he had screamed the words right into his ear.

"* **What**?!*" L yelped, eyes widening even further.

Light sighed softly. It seemed L was only able to answer in questions. Had he broken the 'World's Greatest Detective' by admitting he had a crush on him? Light cringed at L's incredulous stare. It would have been funny, in different circumstances.

L genuinely looked mystified and utterly stumped as to why Light would desire him. "You… want me?" L pointed a finger at himself as if it would somehow clarify things.

"Yes" Light admitted with a long suffering sigh. He'd kept his feelings to himself for three months through sheer force of will, self preservation and flat-out denial. L continued to gawp at him like he'd grown another head and Light shifted his eyes to his cock. He was aching with dissatisfaction and he was growing soft. It was like his cock had just given up the ghost and admitted defeat. Light felt oddly bitter about that. He'd been so damn close to coming!

But… Light gave a small start as he realised that didn't even matter now. How could something as mundane as getting off matter when the one he cared for most in the world was looking at him like that?

"... Light-Kun, why do you think I'm beautiful?" L asked slowl, the small frown on his face indicating he was infact genuinely puzzled.

"Because you are!" Light's frustrations at his flagging erection and L's inability to comprehend what he was saying manifested themselves and he grabbed L's hands in his. He forgot all about being awkward and embarrassed and gave his feelings free reign to take over his tongue. And takeover they did!

"As soon as I met you I was attracted to you. The Great Detective L is only a few years older than I am! I always thought you were a stuffy old man! And yet here you are! Young, gorgeous… just… you're beautiful, alright?! Fuck, L, you have this wierd allure about you. It's maddening! I mean, Half of what you do disgusts me, frankly. You're sloppy, you have no manners, you sit weird, you hold things weird, you're rude and you're childish-"

"...That sounds like you hate me" L mumbled blankly, shoulders drooping in disappointment.

"That's just it! I * **should** * hate you! You kept me locked up in a cell for fifty damn days! You manipulated my father into pretending to kill me to force a confession. You scared me half to death!" Light visibly reigned himself in, startled at the depth and intensity of his feelings.

L scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. When Light put it like * **that** *...

"But you have the sweetest smile! I love your eyes and your mouth and… urgh, I even love it when you do that little amused giggle-"

L nibbled on a thumb nail in thought.

"And * **that**!* I love it when you do that! I don't even know why. It doesn't make any logical sense whatsoever. That's the jist of it, L. I shouldn't fancy you but I do and I can't help it. I can't stop it. Being chained to you for the last four months has been mental and physical torture. Not being able to jerk off for the last three weeks has pushed me to my limit. I want you. There. I've said it. I want your body and I want your mind and…" Light hesitated, the stream of words pouring out of his mouth slowing down to a trickle. He took a deep breath and squeezed L's hands. "I just want you, L"

L gulped. For once in his life he didn't know what to do. It was like Light had just wormed his way beneath the countless walls he'd built around himself. Light had wormed his way inside his armor, found the chink and torn it wide open.

Light was both horrified and moved when L burst into tears.

"L!" he cried in alarm. Without thought he wrapped his arms around him, L's shoulders shaking as years of pent up emotion came pouring out of him like the deluge of a flood. He sobbed brokenly and flung his arms around Light.

Light did his best to be soothing as he patted the soft skin of L's shoulders. He ran his fingers through his hair and mumbled sweet little words until L finally calmed down. L laid his head on Light's shoulder brokenly. Light was reminded of a puppet whose strings had been cut. Had he just broken L or released him?

"I've never loved anyone or thought I could be loved" L whispered hollowly into his neck. "I never thought someone like you could want someone like me"

Light pulled L away from him and tenderly wiped the tears from his eyes. "But I * **do** * want you, L. I want you more than anything. I wish you could see how beautiful you are to me, then maybe you'd understand why. But… perhaps not. Perhaps you've coped all these years by locking yourself away, shutting yourself out from the world, hmm? Is that why you find being wanted so alien?" Light soothed the sting of accusation away from his words by stroking L's tear-stained face. "You've never been loved, have you, L?"

That seemed to set him off again. He didn't sob this time but a fresh wave of tears filled his eyes. Light found these silent tears more devastating than his loud sobs. These tears were the result of a quiet, soul-deep pain L had been carrying inside him for a long, long time. "L… will you let me help you find love?"

"Find love?" L whispered hoarsely. He hadn't cried in six years and his throat hurt. His head pounded slightly. The emotions he was feeling were alien and yet heartrendingly familiar at the same time. Oh, how L wanted to believe this wasn't some trick of Light's. He wanted to be wanted by him but had consigned himself to what he thought was the inevitable: that Light wouldn't look his way. Was Light telling the truth, or was he just trying to get under his skin to make him weak? He had to know. If the fluttering of hope he felt was to be quashed it was best to just get it over with.

"Are you saying these things because you're my suspect?" L had to ask. "If you are…"

"No!" Light shook him slightly, his exasperation apparent in his eyes. "Don't you get it, L?! I fucking lo-" Light cursed and ran a hand through his hair. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them again L was staring at him intently. Again, he realised he would have to finish what he started. "I love you" Light admitted. "There. I've said it. You can perform all the polygraph tests you want on me but its the truth. If I * **was** * Kira before like you keep insisting then…" Light shook his head in anguish, "I don't want to be him! I want to be a detective and I want to be with you!"

Perhaps it was the way his voice cracked with emotion or the way his fingers dug in desperately as he tried to convey his feelings, but L believed him. This wasn't Kira he was looking at. This was Light. Light wasn't lying to him. He was baring his soul and laying everything before him. L was struck by the younger man's bravery. Yes, L finally believed that Light loved him.

The fog of suspicion lifted from his eyes and L hesitantly reached a hand out. Light held still, wondering what L would do. Something broke inside him when he felt the gentle touch to his jaw. L's cool fingers seemed reverant as they traced his jawline. "You love me" L repeated. There was no disbelief coloring his words this time, just wonder.

"Yes, I do" Light slowly placed his hand over L's. "I want to be with you, L. I know it isn't going to be easy. If I was Kira…I don't want to be controlled like that again. I don't want to be that person. And I know you aren't used to feelings or relationships, but… I think we'd be okay. I'd be patient with you, I promise"

L shifted slightly closer. "But I annoy you" it wasn't a question but a blunt statement of truth.

"Yes, and I think that's half the damn reason why I want you so badly" Light inched closer to. His nudity didn't matter. He was too busy baring his soul to care about his body being on display. Telling L how he felt was a far more intimate thing by far than jerking off in front of him.

"I don't think I know how to love" L admitted sadly. "Is it something that can be taught?"

"No, it isn't something that can be taught. It just * **is** *" Light murmured softly the words his mother had whispered to him when he was a little boy. He suspected L had never had that. He'd never had anyone to show affection to. He'd never have anyone show affection to him. Light was determined to change that.

"Oh" L seemed to deflate before him. Light melted at the dejected slump to his shoulders and leaned in to kiss him gently. It was just a simple brush of lips but he could feel how L's heart rate increased. L shifted closer, shy fingers curling around Light's own. Light smiled shakily into the kiss and swept L's lower lip with his tongue. L let out a little gasp at the feeling and going purely on instinct, opened his mouth to Light's questing tongue.

It wasn't electrifying or soul searing or similar to the flowery descriptions the trashy romance novels he'd sneakily read in Wammy's said first kisses should be, but what it was was * **everything** *.

As they kissed L knew he could love. He was capable of it. He could feel it. All he had to do was be brave enough to try, Just as Light had been. Light pulled away with a soft, lingering kiss to L's lips and stared at him. Up close, L found himself captivated by the amber and gold flecks in Light's eyes while Light seemed similarly enthralled by his own eyes.

"I love you, L" Light repeated gently, "And I know you don't love me yet. Maybe you never will, but I think you could" "I think I could too"

L smiled shakily, "Teach me, Light?"

"It can't be taught" Light reminded gently.

"Guide me then" L countered, a pink flush gracing his features.

Light leaned in for another kiss. "I can do that…" L smiled and as their lips met again and unbeknownst to either of them, their tragically short lifespans that glowed above their heads began to change. As the kiss continued, the numbers floating above their heads continued to lengthen until years that were destined to be lost to them were silently reclaimed in a triumph of love over death.

Light didn't get to come that night, but none of that mattered anymore. What did matter was the way L curled up next to him. What mattered was the way they whispered for hours in the darkness together. What mattered most of all was the way their bodies fitted so perfectly together. "Try and get some sleep, L" Light pressed a tender kiss to his hair.

"I will try. I fear if I sleep I will wake up and this will all be a dream" L whispered, voice almost lost in Light's neck.

In response, Light tightened his arms around him. "Don't be afraid to sleep anymore, L. I've got you and I love you. Don't be afraid anymore"

L smiled at the words and a few silent * **joyful** * tears slipped from his eyes. He breathed in deep, closed his eyes and for the first time in * **years** * fell asleep easily. He was loved and he could love in return.

It was time to stop being afraid.


End file.
